You may have heard of the concept of coping cards before. They are used like flashcards when we are trying to learn something by repetition, They are a useful tool and especially good when we need a little help to stay focused on what matters.
Story:
I come with an extra layer of trauma – above growing up with undiagnosed ADD. The fear of abandonment was strong and I reinforced that fear daily. If the lady at the checkout didn’t return my “have a nice day!” with a reciprocal kindness, I just assumed she knew how unlovable I was.
If my own family couldn’t love me enough to stick around, I’d say: “why I should I expect a stranger to be any different?”
You might think that is some hyperbole and that I am trying to make a point with an extreme claim, but this example is not overblown.
All of my childhood traumas were like hooks. It wasn’t enough that I hadn’t made that last sale, or that my kids hadn’t called in a week. Oh no, in my head….it always turned into proof of my un-lovability.
This went on for years, and in my attempt to cope, I learned that it hurt LESS if I left first! This became a terrible cycle for me. At the first sign of trouble, I left jobs and friends and, anything else that felt dangerous.
I tried for years to manage this fear. I lived for my family’s approval. I was the first in my family to go away to college, but their response was not pride in my accomplishment, instead it was a “who do you think you are? Or I guess you’re hot shit now? My father even believed that I was going to “whore around”.
The winter of my senior year I went home and saw how happy my family was with my sister who had recently gotten married. It was a quiet affair, I didn’t even know she was thinking of marriage. The celebration came after their trip to the county courthouse. I think. I was such a non-event, but my dad seemed proud.
I thought maybe if I got married and settled down…Then they would see my worth. I flew to Vegas and married a man I had known for four months. They didn’t share my joy, but at least I had my own family now and I was determined to be a better mom that I had had. Still, despite all of my good intentions, my fear of abandonment packed its bag and moved into my new marriage with us…joy!
There will be plenty of time to tell you about the ride the next 15 years would be, but for now…let’s just agree that I really, really tried to stay and be happy.
Looking back, since my diagnosis, I really think I did okay despite having no framework for understanding the loops of negative self-talk I had been caught up in…for years!
This is the part of the podcast where I jump to an entirely different time….(oh and can I say, I think I’m getting better and announcing when I’m going to deviate from one topic to another) You’re welcome!
Anyway…Fast forward to June of 2020. I have a diagnosis and I’m eager to get help. I sign up for counseling and the entry paperwork was intense. They asked questions as far back as my potty training experience ..no kidding. I was ready to get better, so despite being very uncomfortable with the details of my child hood, I wanted to be 100% transparent. How else would I get better? It took about 3 hours to fill the paper work out. I had to recount some abuse..both physical and emotional. I had to come to terms with my pathetic need to have my father SEE me and approve of me…I was 50 and honestly it was started to sound really, really pathetic. I cried and then I became angry. I was going to fix this!
I started counseling with all the hope in the world. The counselor was nice enough, and because of the pandemic, I was doing my sessions from home. We video chatted and got comfortable. I wanted her to like me so I tried to be upbeat, even after spending a day binge watching all the bad news around the world. I wanted her to see the effort I was willing to apply to getting better. She suggested I read a book called … the slight edge. It was basically a call to keep going and not quit and just keep trying. She also suggested I journal (which I had done since I was very young) I was growing frustrated with the kid gloves she was using. When were we going to dive into the real trauma? The next visit she suggested I use check lists to keep me organized. By now, Im just getting pissed off? Seriously lady, you went to schook for this? I was starting to feel the hooks again, She hates me, she sees me hurting and she doesn’t care. I fought back this urge and reminded muself that this was a process….I didn’t get this messed up in a couple of weeks and I shouldn’t expect to get better overnight…..with that, she said I was doing great and she thought it would be a good time to end our sessions. She invited me to call back if I ever needed to talk again.
Talk again? We hadn’t even scratched the surface!
I was gutted..and I felt very, very abandoned! Fortunately, I was taking a low dose of Straterra and I found that it helped my impulse control. I didn’t cry. I thanked her, hung of the call and then I set out to figure my own shit out. The medication was helping me stay focused enough that I could see my collection of self help books that I had amassed since returning from Vegas a MRS all those years ago.
Application
I reached passed the Manifest your Destiny and Wake up Happy titles and reached for an old worn paperback circa 1980 titled Telling yourself the Truth. I won’t go in detail here since the book is work and worth taking a real close look. So we will do that another time.
What I want to share was that it was the foundation of my coping cards. I knew that I wanted snapshots of the book that I found helpful. I knew that I would lose my notes in the piles of papers on my desk and I would find them when I was having a crisis moment , so I took a small stack of index cards, punched a hole in them and used a binder ring to keep them together.
On the first card I wrote: What are you feeling right now?
What happened? What did you do? How did you feel? Is it based in truth?
These questions helped me identify the trigger, if I was in a mis-belief loop, It identified my impulse response and the effects of that response.
The first few times were difficult, but I couldn’t lie to myself. I didn’t allow for a card that said tell me all about your old hooks…
It was very specific to that moment.
Here is an example: I’m feeilng angry and slighted, I keep getting interrupted when I speak and I feel unimportant. I am getting walked over and I feel invisible.
What happended? We were all talking and I was going to share an idea and everyone just kept talking over me and restating what I had already said.
What did I do? I clammed up and didn’t want to talk anymore then everyone made a big deal about it.
How did you feel? I felt stupid.
Okay….is it true?…well no…I know that I am important to Jim, he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me intentionally.
Argue the truth: He is supportive and likes my ideas, he and the others were probably just excited with me and they wanted to show their support by reinforcing what I had said.
The second card asks: Are you in love or fear? If I can honestly say love. Then, I am done…if I still feel fear I ask the questions on card one again. Until I feel at peace.
These may seem like a lot of steps, but I hope you will try them. You can see an example of mine in the show notes.
This is just ONE of the coping cards. This deals primarily with my impulse control and negative self-talk tendencies. It takes practice, but in time, you will be able to identify the routine and self correct.
I still use them regularly. I keep the ring attached to a clip board with blank sheets of paper so I can write down my process.
Very recently, I used them because I could feel myself getting into a funk. My son (now 24) was home for Christmas and he mentioned that he didn’t feel a connection to his culture. Despite my many attempts, my kids were never interested in learning to speak Spanish. They preferred to embrace their father’s Japanese heritage. It makes sense, the Asian stereotypes that the kids lived with growing up in a Houston suburb meant that they must be good at math and could Tokyo drift or something…..being Mexican was not as awesome. I get it.
He continued … we never had family holiday traditions—
because my relationship with my family was so broken. Holidays were generally just us. NO cousins, NO real fanfare.
He shared this as Jim and I were preparing to make tamales. “Hello, this is your culture” The old hooks came in….I became irritated because what he was saying was True. If my family hadn’t been so…..broken. If my dad had been a better grandfather, etc. If only they found my culture as interesting.
I excused myself to my office. I pulled out my cards and I came to this conclusion…..I wanted above all else, for my son to be happy……I jumped onto Ancestry.com and I bought him a DNA kit and told him I wanted him to find his culture. It felt so wonderful to respond in peace and in love and not fear and jealously… The look on his face was my gift.. I didn’t guilt him into seeing me….I saw him and I was able to meet him there.
Books mentioned in this podcast: Telling Yourself the Truth , The Slight Edge
Want to hear other podcasts in this series? Check out out Podcast Directory